


Caga Tió Lucius, or 'Shit, Uncle Lucius!'

by Toodleoo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Caga Tiò, Catalonian Pooping Christmas Log, Christmas, F/M, Family, Fire Juice, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Kid Fic, M/M, Sexytimes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-02-10 22:08:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12921225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toodleoo/pseuds/Toodleoo
Summary: Auntie Luna and Uncle Lucius like to give the Granger-Snape children the most original Christmas gift imaginable: Caga Tió, the traditional Catalonian Christmas pooping log. Hermione and Severus aren't quite sure what to do with it, but their eight children will help sort things out.[A thank you story for MyWitch that will make zero sense without her fabulous illustration"The Catalonian Christmas Pooping Log", a piece featuring the Snape family and their Caga Tió. The illustration is #4 in the collection linked here.]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MyWitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyWitch/gifts).
  * Inspired by [25 Days of Drawing - 2017](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12881826) by [MyWitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyWitch/pseuds/MyWitch). 



> You really need to check out the image to get a picture of these kiddos! Especially Tina, who is the apple of her Uncle Lucius's eye. They're Chapter #4 in the linked collection, or you can just go straight to the illustration ["The Catalonian Christmas Pooping Log"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12881826/chapters/29494125). 
> 
> For reference, MyWitch has informed that the ages of the eight Granger-Snape rapscallions are...
> 
> Agatha - 17  
> Brian -15  
> April - 14  
> Roger - 11  
> Vincent - 9  
> Tina - 7  
> Serenity - 2  
> Joey - 6 months

There were nine reindeer grazing in the Italian Garden.  
  
One of them—the one with the bright red nose, Lucius noted—was serving as a chauffeur for a Malfoy peacock, and three others were breakfasting on a pile of squashes and pumpkins that the little woman had brought them.  
  
_Ah, Luna_ , he thought fondly. _My wife is unique in all the world._  
  
She had left the deer to their own proclivities in order to chase a wild man draped in furs and caked in filth, his tongue protruding in a stupid fashion as he dodged her spells. She had just stunned him when Lucius decided to intervene. With a flick of his wrist, he flung open the window from his study. 'Luna, darling?' he asked. 'Can I assist you with anything before I ring Nobby for my bath?'

'We're all well. Thank you!' The petite blonde woman waved up at him and began to spin, Apparating herself into his arms. She gave him a peck on the lips and shuffled out of her robes. 'The reindeer have enough to eat as long as Donner and Blitzen share with the others, and I just gave Belsnickel a light sedative, so he should be out for at least five or six hours.'  
  
Had anyone else said it, Lucius would have pretended that he knew what they were talking about and gone to look it up later in his extensive library. Since it was Luna, though, he only had to ask. 'Bell... who?'  
  
She nodded, pressing her naked little body up against his fully clothed one. 'Do you remember how much all the Snapes loved the Yule goat I sent them last year?'  
  
'They adored the creature,' he said in agreement. 'Even Severus.' Then again, what person wouldn't love a genial farm animal? The goat let all the children climb on his back, toting them around their house for hours on Christmas Eve before Luna sent him back to Sweden or Yorkshire or some other godforsaken tundra. But last year's goat didn't explain this year's fur-draped madman, so Lucius waited for further explanation.  
  
'I was going to send Belsnickel over to the Snapes' place for Christmas this year, but I think he'll frighten the younger children. Roger and April would just love having him around, but I'm not sure about Tina or Serenity. Or Severus.'  
  
Personally, Lucius thought that Tina would singlehandedly tackle the funny furry man and pluck out his nose hairs until he cried for mercy, but he didn't contribute this tidbit to the conversation. _Bless her_ , but she was a bloodthirsty little thing. Even though she wasn't technically his goddaughter—that honour belonged to Agatha, the eldest—Tina was his favourite amongst Severus's brood of wildlings.  
  
Not that he ever let on.

But Severus would undoubtedly despise this... _Bell Schnickle_  thing running at his infant... so Lucius decided to nip this in the bud. 'Serenity and Joey are quite young,' he said noncommittally.  
  
Luna began unbraiding her hair. 'Nobby?' she said, calling for the elf.  
  
He popped in. 'Yes, Missy Luna?'  
  
'Could we have the bath set up for two? With the eucalyptus bath salts, please?'  
  
'And chilled champagne,' Lucius added.  
  
Nobby nodded.  
  
Luna bent down and whispered in the elf's ear. 'Please grab a bottle for yourself to share with everyone else.'  
  
He blushed and ran off.  
  
A snap of her fingers and his robes flew off his body, folding themselves neatly in a pile on his desk. She then walked him over to the window, looking out at the strange menagerie she'd gathered on the lawn. 'I'll send Belsnickel back to Pennsylvania when he wakes.'  
  
He shuddered as he examined the dirty man from afar. 'He's from the Colonies? No wonder he looks like that.'  
  
Luna pinched his arse. 'I have a back-up plan, though.'  
  
He was afraid of that. Hermione hadn't minded the goat, but she wasn't a fan of the droppings it left. One was manageable, but nine shitting quadrupeds? It would not go over well.  
  
She slung her arm through his, leading the way to the master bath. 'I've decided to send the reindeer instead.'  
  
Lucius leaned down, picking her up to carry her the rest of the way. 'You know, dearest,' he said, attempting to steer her train of thought down a different set of tracks, 'Hermione and Severus lack the kind of space we have here at the manor. They might find that—'  
  
Two dainty hands found their way to his cheeks, and she kissed him in earnest then, nipping at his lower lip to encourage his mouth to open to her. At some point, he realised that he'd stopped walking, but had shifted her in his hold so she could wrap her legs around him. He backed her up against a wall, ready to take her, but then she pulled back.  
  
He groaned aloud, hard as a rock.  
  
She slid down his body so she was standing beside him once more. 'You're such a thoughtful man,' she cooed, petting his abdominal muscles. 'Now I want to suck your cock underwater, and then I'll think of something smaller to send Hermione and Severus this year, all right?'  
  
Well, he wasn't going to argue with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Yes_ , Belsnickel is an actual thing. He's a sort of of Zwarte Piet/Krampus corollary in Moravian country in the United States. Think Pennsylvania.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't know what Caga Tió is, here's [a handy dandy link](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ti%C3%B3_de_Nadal.). And a photo of a herd of them, grazing at market...

Lucius and Luna had requested the presence of the entire family.

This made Severus decidedly nervous, as announcements from those two tended to fall along one of two lines: major family changes (like when Draco eloped with Potter) and collective family gifts (like the weeklong holiday at Disneyland Paris they had given the Snapes when Tina turned five). Lucius had been disappointed when Hermione had already known of Draco's marriage (Harry blabbed), and the whole Snape clan had been disappointed when they realised that one day of kids vomiting partially digested hot dogs on the rides was more than enough.

Apparently motion sickness ran in the family.

Still, Severus owled the older children at Hogwarts, asking them to Floo home to the cottage in Ayrshire during the first weekend in December. Hermione squeezed and snapped Joey into the cashmere onesie Lucius had sent over earlier, and Serenity found all the twigs she'd been collecting in the garden so that she could show them off to her Auntie Luna.

The whole gaggle of Snapes was gathered in the living room on Saturday morning when a flash of green hit the fireplace.

Luna stepped out gracefully, hugging and kissing everyone in sight. If Brian blushed a little when she pressed a kiss to his cheek, well, she was gracious enough not to draw anyone's attention to it. Serenity latched onto her right leg, stepping on her foot, and went along for the ride as Luna hugged Hermione and crossed the room to greet the family patriarch. 'Severus!' Luna exclaimed, resting her hand on his heart. 'You are well?' She leaned in to listen to his heartbeat. 'Yes, you _are_ well.'

He still didn't know quite what to make of her, even after all these years. 'I can't complain. The idiots at St Mungo's have finally extended my laboratory, my wife loves me, and I haven't let any of the children expire on my watch.'

Another puff of green, and out stepped—

'Uncle Lucius!' Tina shrieked, barreling towards him at a sprint. He had just enough time to drop the wrapped package in his arms before the blur of child hit.

The haughty man patted her on the head before slipping her a blueberry piece of Drooble's Best Blowing Gum.

Hermione walked over, kissing his cheek while accepting his traveling cloak to hang in the front hall. By the time she returned to the living room, the Malfoys were ready to make their presentation.

The children were all in semicircle around the big box. Agatha was pretending very hard not to care at all, a sure sign that she desperately wanted to know what was inside. April and Roger were tugging on Luna's hands, pleading with her to open it. Serenity plopped down on the ground right next to it, and even baby Joey seemed to realise that everyone in the room was staring at the thing in the middle of the room.

The anticipation was _palpable._

'Have you all been good boys and girls this year?' Lucius asked them, drawing out the process.

'YES!' Tina shrieked, revealing her bright blue teeth as the gum tumbled unnoticed to the floor.

Vincent glanced over. 'What about the time you let all the frogs into Serenity's room?'

Her face went as white as a polar bear. 'That was an _accident_ ,' she whispered. Tears welled up in her eyes. 'Does that mean I don't get any presents this year? Am I a... a bad girl?' She looked back at her father for his confirmation.

Severus glared at his friend as he knelt beside his young daughter. 'Don't listen to your brother. Everyone has accidental magic before they begin official tutelage at Hogwarts. The frogs and the fires and the flying over the house just show that you are a powerful young witch.'

'Even the applesauce flood?'

'Even that,' he said, squeezing her sticky hand.

She wiped her nose on his shirt. 'Okay, Poppa.'

'And now,' Severus said, looking to Luna, 'your uncle will cease and desist with idle threats and fear mongering, and your aunt will let you open whatever it is that they have decided to curse us with this year.'

April nudged her dad. 'Honestly, dad, you could try being polite. Auntie Lu gives the best presents.'

He shrugged. 'Lucius?'

Deciding that it was better to cut to the chase, he wrapped his arm around his wife. 'Luna, will you do the honours?'

She looked at the kids. 'Why don't you all unwrap it together?'

This seemed like a grand idea. April glanced at Brian, who looked at Vincent, who nodded at Serenity, who had stopped paying attention and was trying—unsuccessfully—to lick her own nose.

Luna began the countdown. 'In three... two... one... OPEN!'

They pounced, and wrapping paper flew everywhere. In a few seconds, all the chaos cleared, and the children saw their gift.

It was a _log._

A log with a face.

A log with a face and a hat and a peculiar blanket.

'Er...' April said, trying to find something nice to say, 'that's a very purple outfit.'

Vincent poked it to check for some kind of response.

_Nothing._

And all the kids walked away, curling up on the sofa or sitting down on the floor, clearly disappointed. 

'Thanks for the... the... thing, Aunt Luna,' Brian said. 

A chorus of muttered thanks came from all the others.

Roger ran up and gave Luna and Lucius a hug. 'Yes, thank you.' Then he whispered loudly to Luna. 'Is the goat busy this year? Because he was loads of fun.'

Luna took in the forlorn faces and she frowned. 'It's a Caga Tió. I didn't know if you'd ever had one before.'

Vincent piped up. 'We don't draw faces on our logs. We just burn them in the fireplace.'

'A ha!' Luna said, understanding written on her features. 'Then you don't know that this is a special log. Caga Tió has a magic all his own, and if you take care of him and feed him, he'll bring you marvelous treats at Christmas.'

Agatha looked skeptical. 'We have to feed a log?'

Lucius rolled his eyes. 'It's absurd, I know. Blame the Spanish.'

Curious, Roger stared the log down, placing one finger in its mouth.

The log moved.

And the boy yelped, 'It bit me!' He looked at his mother, whose eyes were flashing. 'It didn't hurt, Mum. I was just startled. Don't be mad.'

Then Lucius pulled several long sticks from his sleeve, passing them out to all the children. 'You'll need these on Christmas Day.'

A confused hush fell over the room, and Lucius spoke up again. 'Believe me when I tell you that this was the best option. Your Aunt Luna almost gave you a homeless man for Christmas.'

Severus decided that it was better not to ask.

By this time, Vincent and Roger were dueling with their sticks.

'Just be careful, boys,' Luna said. 'You'll need to beat Caga Tió on the 25th.'

Tina gasped. 'We have to kill him?'

'It won't hurt him, dearest,' Luna said, reassuring her. 'I designed him myself. Just feed him good things until Christmas, and then give him a little whack on Christmas while you sing a song, asking him to release good presents that you want.'

'Release?' Brian asked.

'Shi... _poo_ ,' Lucius said, correcting himself mid-word. 

'Our log shpoos presents?' Tina said, her voice tinged with awe.

Lucius coughed once or twice before mumbling under his breath. ' _Poos_ , Tina. It defecates gifts, apparently. Again, blame the Spanish.'

'The Catalonians, dearest,' Luna said. Then she turned to the children. 'Your uncle picked all the gifts that Caga Tió will bring you this year, but you have to be patient and bring him fine things to eat.'

Vincent looked up. 'Did you know that "tio" is also the Spanish word for uncle? Dora the Explorer says so.'

Lucius frowned. 'I believe it means "log" in this instance.'

'May we name our log?' Agatha asked, changing the subject abruptly. She sounded far more innocent than she normally did, and Severus knew something was up.

But Luna merely smiled, delighted that the Snape kids were all growing more interested in their gift. 'Of course you may.'

The girl smirked at Lucius. 'Let's call him Caga Tió Lucius, then. In honour of our dear, _dear_ uncle.'

And Severus, filled with fatherly pride, burst into laughter.


	3. Chapter 3

As a rule of thumb, Hermione hatednot knowing things.

A trip to the local library in Ayr yielded only one book with any kind of information on the Christmas log at all, so she checked it out right away and brought it home for everyone to peruse.

She also sent questions about Caga Tió in an email to Severus's mother Eileen. The woman had lived in hiding in Spain for a dozen or more years after her son had flipped sides and joined the Order. If anyone Hermione knew had actually heard of a pooping log before, it was going to be her mother-in-law. Of course, the woman was gallivanting all over the world these days, floating somewhere over South America on a hot air balloon expedition, and was unlikely to check her messages in a timely fashion.

So the ratty, dog-eared, illustrated copy of  _Christmas Traditions Throughout the Known World_ would have to do.

Hermione read all the basics about the Muggle tradition: feed the log from the 8th through Christmas Eve, sing the right song to the log, and trick the children into thinking that the log had pooped out all their sweets and presents by hiding them under a blanket wrapped around its backside.

The real question for Hermione was this: if Luna had enchanted this log with her own magic, did their pooping log work like every other pooping log in Catalonia, or did he have extra spells woven into his fabric?

She left the book out on the mantle for the others, if their curiosity got the better of them. Hermione knew them all well enough to predict their behaviour: Roger and April would both read the entry on Caga Tió from start to finish, Agatha would skim it to find out if there were any secret tricks to lock down the best possible gifts, Brian and Vincent would ignore the book entirely, and Tina would flip through looking for pictures.

At supper that night, Hermione brought a calendar to the table in order to sort out the children's responsibilities with the newest addition to the family.

It was organized chaos. Brian and Roger were setting the table, and Agatha was locking Joey down into his high chair. Severus doled out hearty portions of a vegetable curry he'd prepared earlier with the assistance of Vincent, his littlest sous chef. Meanwhile, April filled a basket with all the whole wheat roti she'd just baked using a recipe she'd found online, Serenity was still sitting in Time Out for chopping off a hank of the baby's hair, and Tina was propped upside down against a wall, attempting a headstand.

'Come to the table!' Hermione called, standing at the head of the table with her calendar in hand. 'We need to eat, and so does your... your log.'

They all scrambled to their places.

'What are we supposed to feed him, Mum?' Roger asked. Regimented in all that he did, his plate was segmented into equal thirds for rice, curry, and bread. 'And _when_ are we supposed to feed him?'

'How do we know it's a _boy_ log and not a _girl_ log?' Tina asked. She poured herself a glass of milk and even landed most of it in her cup. 

'His name is Lucius,' Vincent argued, passing the rice to his sister. 'That's a boy name.'

'Yes, but that's just 'cause Aggie called him Lucius.'

Agatha rolled her eyes at the antics of her siblings. 'It's an it, Tina. I'm pretty sure there's nothing between its back legs.'

'Actually,' Roger said, determined to bring clarity to his family, 'he doesn't have any back legs under the blanket. He only has the front two legs.'

'I still say it's an _it_ ,' Agatha said.

'From the sounds of it, he's a paraplegic,' Brian said, tossing a chunk of cauliflower up into the air before catching it in his mouth. 'Just like Rocky.'

Hermione thought of their elderly neighbour's genial little terrier squeaking away as it wheeled itself up and down the street. All the children had adored Rocky until he passed away from old age around a year ago, and it was Severus himself who had dug the grave for the creature in Mrs. MacGivney's garden. 

Still, this conversation had wandered quite far afield from where it had started. 'Roger's questions,' Hermione said, 'are good ones. As far as I can tell, most people feed their Caga Tió nuts and fruits and things.'

'But Uncle Lucius and Auntie Lu said to feed him good things, and Uncle Lucius doesn't _like_ nuts,' Tina said, mixing her curry and rice together in one messy pile.  'He likes fish eggs and chicken and fire juice.'

Agatha snorted aloud at the sound of her uncle's euphemism for Firewhisky.

Hermione sighed, bouncing the baby on one knee while she attempted to eat. 'Truthfully, Pumpkin, I'm not sure it matters what you give him. Just feed him _something.'_

'It's an inanimate object,' Severus scoffed, cutting up Serenity's cauliflower into tiny pieces, 'not some delicate newborn Thestral nursing at midnight and eating a diet of crepuscular insects. I think a bowl of water and whatever food you already have will suffice.'

The kids seemed satisfied by this answer.

'The book also said that Caga Tió should eat once a day,' Hermione added. 'The way I see it, each of you can take a day of the week from now until the 25th.'

'I get Saturdays!' claimed Agatha. 'If we're feeding Caga Tió Lucius whatever we're eating, I'll start today with leftovers from this lovely meal that Poppa prepared, and I'll be done with one of mine.'

Brian, like a human waste disposal unit, scooped a third helping onto his plate, seemingly determined to make sure there would be nothing to pass on to the log. 'Sundays, then, which means April has to do it right away on Fridays when we get back from Hogwarts.'

'Fine,' April agreed. 'You only think Friday is a punishment because you're a zombie when we're done with classes.'

Which was true. Hermione had no idea what had happened to her sweet boy during puberty, but if she didn't wake him on Saturdays at 10 o'clock, he'd sleep all the way through until Sunday.

Then April sniggered. 'Joke's on you. I only have to feed him twice, but you have three times, starting tomorrow.'

Brian just shrugged, unwilling to admit that she was right.

'May I feed him on Mondays?' Roger asked, looking back and forth between his parents for approval.

Severus nodded. 'Mondays are yours.'

There were four Snape children left, and Hermione assumed that they would need a little more guidance. 'Vincent, why don't we say that Tuesdays are yours? Then Tina gets Wednesdays, and I'll help Serenity on Thursdays.' 

'Why doesn't Joey have to give Caga Tió  _his_ food?' Tina asked. 

'Tina!' April hissed. 'You can't say that.'

Severus sat back in his chair, clearly amused at the elephant in the room: _Hermione was still breastfeeding their youngest, and she couldn't very well breastfeed a log._

'Why not?' Tina asked. 'I can help him hold the bottle.'

Hermione reached over to pat the girl's hand. 'That's very sweet of you to offer, but maybe next year. I think Joey's a bit too young for this, just like he was too young for playing Gobstones.' That had been a near miss, although Severus had performed admirably under pressure when he needed to extract a Gobstone that Joey had swallowed and another that Serenity had lodged up her nose.

Thank goodness for magic.

* * *

As it happened, Agatha managed to save some curry and half a roti for Caga Tió that night.

The whole family gathered around the log in the living room, waiting to see what would happen. They'd already seen the log nibble on Roger's finger, so they knew it could be a tad unpredictable.

Agatha started with the bread, waving it gently in front of the log's mouth. 'Here you go, Caga Tió Lucius.'

Nothing happened.

'Am I supposed to just leave his dinner out on a plate?' she asked, frowning. 'What did Aunt Lu say? Do we know which charms and enchantments she used on him?'

'Maybe he's just shy,' April said, patting his back. 'Why don't you leave everything on the plate, and we'll check on him in the morning?'

So that's what they did, arranging the roti beside the curry in an appealing way.

And in the morning, it was all _gone_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it odd that I'm sort of proud of how few people have given this story kudos? I imagine people clicking on this, thinking they're getting a run-of-the-mill story about Christmas or love or something, and then walking away, wondering, 'What the hell did I just read?'
> 
> If you're actually sticking with me, dear readers, I know you're up for a little absurdity. Cheers to you!


	4. Chapter 4

Severus was pleased to see that his children took their responsibilities seriously.

Caga Tió Lucius was given a position of prominence in the kitchen, sitting in the big bay window that overlooked the garden out back. Initially, Severus had placed him in the living room, next to the woodpile, but Brian had suggested moving it to another room just in case it felt any kind of empathy for the non-magical logs about to be burned for their warmth. _Well._  Severus wasn't about to have another political discussion with his eldest son on the feelings of creatures, since things had been tense when the boy went vegetarian and tried to force everyone else in the family to join him. In the end, Severus bought tofu and seitan for Brian, designated one pan as the vegetarian pan in the kitchen, and kept up the occasional Sunday roast for himself and all the other omnivores in the house.

Once _that_ decision had been made, Roger positioned Caga Tió Lucius at an angle so he could watch the squirrels outside or watch the people cooking inside, and Serenity brought out all her stuffed animals to keep him company. She had also taken to napping with the log, curling up next to it under its spangly purple blanket as she conked out for a few hours every afternoon. The first time it happened, Severus _may_ have captured it on film in order to show his wife when she returned from work at the hospital. In return, she _may_ have rewarded him with a passionate snog under the mistletoe that could have led to the ninth Snape child, had they not taken surgical precautions after number eight.

As for feeding the damned log? Severus just hoped that it wouldn't get sick on the cushion. With what his children were leaving out for it every night, he wouldn't be surprised if it had a terrible case of constipation. Yet no matter what monstrosities his children left for the log by night, the plates and bowls were found empty in the morning.

On Sunday evening, before Flooing back to Hogwarts, Brian left a heaping bowl of black bean chili out for Caga Tió Lucius. 

On Monday, Roger left a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, neatly cut into four triangles. There was also a handful of celery and a dollop of hummus on the plate, just the way that Roger himself liked it.

On Tuesday, Vincent went with macaroni and cheese made from a box, with some bacon crumbled on top. He also spent his own allowance money on a Lion bar and some Jaffa cakes, although Severus noted that only half the package made it onto the plate for the pooping log.

On Wednesday, well... Severus had tried to talk Tina into something a little less over the top, but she insisted on serving a pile of chicken nuggets topped with a whole tin of caviar from the pantry, a gift from Lucius months earlier. She'd needed help with the oven as they baked the chicken, but otherwise, she'd done it all herself. Severus was feeling proud of her self-reliance until she pranced over to the liquor cabinet, pulled out the oldest and most expensive bottle of fire whisky, and poured two fingers into a small glass. 

Throughout all of that, the log remained motionless, grinning his stupid smile at them all with the wide eyes of an over-caffeinated owl.

That's why what happened on Thursday morning was so surprising.

* * *

That morning began much like any other.

Severus stirred sometime before the sun came up, nestled behind his wife like spoons in the cutlery drawer. Her hair was in his mouth and his hands were on her soft belly. He was only forty percent awake, but he  _wanted_ her, and he wanted her _now_.

' _Hermiwadyorgrmpsh_ ,' he mumbled, squeezing her tits gently.

She stretched her limbs and sighed happily, lifting her top leg up and backwards over his ankle to give him room to maneuvre. 'Yes, please.'

In one swift move, he entered her. Gods, but she was hot and wet and perfect, and he was the luckiest sod on the planet. 

Her soft moans grew as he rocked in and out of her body, and she leaned her head to one side, further exposing the column of her neck to him in familiar invitation. After his lips found her pulse point, nibbling and sucking on her skin, she grasped his hand and drew his index finger into her mouth.

He raised up on one knee just slightly, giving himself a different angle as he stoked their fire higher, driving into her from above, and—

'Mummy? Poppy?' Serenity's sweet voice rang out from the doorway.

In his first years as a parent, Severus would have panicked at the sound of child's voice while he and Hermione were in the middle of something.  _Panicked and scrambled for clothing_. Now, after years of experience and one memorable incident where Roger ran from the room screaming for bleach for his eyes, Severus blocked out the sound for a brief moment as he stroked his wife between her legs, bringing them both to a satisfying completion.

He groaned, collapsing back onto the bed. 

His children were _not_ going to keep him from a little nookie with his wife. If they ran away in horror, they just brought it on themselves, really. It wasn't as though there was any ambiguity around the 'No entering Mummy and Poppa's room without verbal permission' rule. What part of 'on pain of death' didn't they understand? When they were really small, they simply didn't know what was happening. Then there were the explanations about wrestling and tickle fights. As they grew up and learned where babies came from, they became much, much better at avoiding their parents' bedroom at all costs. After all, they were perfectly aware of how many siblings they had.

'Mummy? Poppa?' Serenity called again, creeping closer.

Hermione kissed her husband and threw on the old jumper folded on the bedside table for such occasions. Then she called to their daughter. 'Yes, Sweetheart?'

Reaching for a pair of sleep pants to shuffle into under the covers, Severus watched his daughter plod across the room to his wife's side of the bed.

'Mummy, Mummy, Mummy! Wucius Wog is sweeping!'

Hermione hauled their daughter up onto the bed between them. 'Isn't he always sleeping? We've never seen him move.'

'Serenity,' Severus said slowly, 'he's not a real animal. He's not like Crookshanks, you know.'

The little girl scrunched up her nose. 'No. I show you.' She climbed off the bed, taking her daddy's hand in hers as she led the way. Whilst Serenity was distracted, Hermione slipped on a pair of knickers and sleep bottoms, and then followed behind them to the kitchen.

Sure enough, the log was laying on its side with its eyes closed.

_Snoring._


	5. Chapter 5

After a great day at school where Tina aced her spelling test, found a sausage roll and a beautiful spotty banana in her lunchbox, and  _didn't_ accidentally make anything explode all over that meanie William Jensen, she sat down with her box of magic markers and a pad of shiny paper.

Sometimes she missed the way that the crayons felt in her fingers, but those were for little kids like Serenity. They would probably be for Joey, too, if he would only stop eating them. Besides, the markers smelled like delicious fruits. Especially the purple one, which was kind of grapey. If she let Joey smell the markers, he'd probably try to eat them all, and then what would they find in his nappy? It would be even grosser than the time she gave him peas without asking her parents first.

After all the excitement of the morning, what with proof that Caga Tió Lucius was real as he napped in the kitchen window, Tina decided it was up to _her_ to spread the news to her brothers and sisters at Hogwarts. They needed to know, didn't they?

It had also been two weeks since she'd mailed them any pictures for their rooms, and they were undoubtedly wanting something new to show off to their friends, who also adored her. During the last family day at Hogwarts, Aggie had dressed Tina up in blue and silver, inviting her to sit at the Ravenclaw table for breakfast. All of Aggie's friends knew Tina's name, and they asked her to sing them songs and let her plant dung bombs in a loaf of bread on the Gryffindor table. Then Brian and April dressed her in a yellow and black jumper and invited her into the kitchen at Hogwarts to meet all the house-elfs, which was the best.

So Tina wrote three identical letters to her siblings:

_Caga Tió Lucius is real and ALIVE and he snores like Poppa when he_

_sleeps_ _and_ _you have to come home and see him and maybe_ _he_ _likes_

_fish eggs to eat because that's what I gave him last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE,_

_Tina_

The extra exclamation points showed how important the message was.

For Aggie, Tina drew a wombat. Just because. And then she coloured it green, which was Aggie's favourite colour. Of course, someone stupid might confuse it for a bear, so to make it super clear that it wasn't a bear, Tina made sure to include a pile of wombat poo. Nobody pooped little cubes like a wombat.

For Brian, it was a carrot wearing a top hat and carrying a cane like Uncle Lucius. 

For April, because she loved unicorns, it was a unicorn next to a lake, just like the unicorns that let April pet them in the forest at Hogwarts. The unicorns just loved April, and Poppa asked April to have Mister Hagrid take a photograph with her and the unicorns every single year. But instead of just one horn, Tina drew three. If one horn was brilliant, three was twice as good, right?

Then Tina rolled up the letters with the appropriate drawings, apologised to their owl Pickle for the heavy load, and sent the messages on their merry way.

* * *

That night, Tina and Roger and Vincent and Serenity and Joey and Mummy and Poppa were all going to Uncle Lucius's and Aunt Luna's house for dinner. 

The boys were playing some dumb video game together and Serenity was running around naked, so Tina headed over on her own with a bunch of books and things in her book bag. She was good with the Floo.

'Hi, Auntie Luna!' she said, stumbling into the Floo parlor at Malfoy Manor. 

Luna gave her a big hug before looking around. 'Where's the rest of your family, dear?'

The young girl shrugged. 'They're coming. Where's Uncle Lucius?'

'He's reading some contracts in the library. If you'd like to visit him, you may read your books while he's finishing up.'

Trudging off to the library, Tina never noticed the silvery hare bounding from Auntie Luna's wand as it flew off to tell Hermione where her daughter could be found.

Once she'd marched down the length of the corridor of the South Wing, Tina found her uncle at the long table, hunched over a stack of papers. He nodded at her once, then pulled out a chair for her at the end of the table with a wave of his wand.

She sat down, unzipping her bag and pulling out a stack of her own—mostly unfinished drawings of animals and Mister Spock from that old television show her poppa liked to watch.

Uncle Lucius leaned back in his chair with one leg crossed the other, so Tina did that, too.

Uncle Lucius was drinking his fire juice in a squat little glass, so Tina called Nobby and asked for her own, followed by a 'please' because her mum always said that it was important to be polite to house-elfs. Nobby brought her a glass of warm milk with a splash of fire juice just like Uncle Lucius's.

And Uncle Lucius was signing his name at the bottom of the papers, so Tina did that on her drawings.

When he was finished, he downed the last of his drink in one, slamming the empty glass down on the table with a loud thud.

Tina did the same.

And Uncle Lucius looked up. 'Finished for the day?'

She nodded. 'I did eleven pictures today.'

He crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair. 'I added nine foreign companies to the Malfoy holdings today.'

She grinned, crossing her arms and leaning back in _her_ chair. 'So I beat you?'

He rolled his eyes. 'By two, yes.'

She walked over to him then, slipping her hand into his and giving him a squeeze. 'Maybe you'll beat me tomorrow.'

He stood, keeping a tight hold of her hand as he led her out. 'We shall see, Little One. We shall see. In the meanwhile, Draco and Mister Potter should be here soon, and I understand that they have a surprise to share with us all.'

Tina thought it over as they walked down the hallway together. What would make a good surprise? She glanced up at him out of the corner of her eye. 'Is it a puppy?'

'I don't know,' he answered.

Her face fell. A puppy would be a lot more fun than Crookshanks, who didn't always let you play with him and didn't like it when you put nail varnish on his whiskers for decoration. Of course, maybe the surprise was even bigger than a puppy. 'Is it a baby?'

Uncle Lucius stopped walking just then, going even whiter than usual. 'Good Gods, I hope not.'

Just then, Harry came running up the hallway, hauling Tina up on his shoulders while tickling her. 'Tina! I thought I heard your voice!'

'UNCLE HARRY!' she screamed, flailing about while she wheezed with laughter. 'Let me down!'

He set her down and she huffed, catching her breath as they all continued down the corridor to dinner. She took a hand from each of the men, pulling them along so they'd swing her high in the air between them. 'We have a new log, Uncle Harry.'

Harry gave her a funny look. 'Er... that's... great?'

He didn't seem to appreciate how marvelous Caga Tió Lucius was, so Tina elaborated. 'He likes to sleep a lot, but he likes to eat, too, and he likes _my_ food better than anyone else's.'

'Er...' he mumbled, obviously dumbfounded by this news, 'this is the first I've ever heard of a log who eats anything at all, so... I dunno... er...'

His voice trailed off, but Tina let it go. _Clearly_ Uncle Harry didn't understand the first thing about logs.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Agatha unrolled the wad of papers the owl had dropped beside her soup.

A near miss, that. 

Based on the size of the package, she was fairly certain this was from her kid sister. It couldn't be Mum, as _her_ letters came every Thursday morning at breakfast, always in the same cream envelopes with neat penmanship in blue. Poppa sent random clippings from newspapers or scans of things he thought she might find interesting, always in unmarked manila folders. Those mysterious looking folders, combined with the fact that he scared the shit out of all of her friends (and most of her professors) made many assume that she was either already a spy herself or setting herself up to become an Unspeakable as soon as she had her N.E.W.T.s.

And who knew? Maybe she _would_ join up there. She looked stellar in all black.

This, however, was just a drawing of a wombat. _Green_ , though, with a mountain of little brown cubes beside it. Agatha figured that it must be wombat poo, because nothing else made sense.

Tina was such a trip.

Agatha pulled out her wand and muttered an incantation to animate the drawing. The green beast waddled off the page to the left, and the pile of brown disappeared with a _POP_. Then the wombat wandered in from the right side of the page, wriggled its backside in a peculiar fashion, and began pooing a mountain of geometric shit.

If anyone had been watching her, they would have caught her smiling for a split second before she carefully rearranged her features into a blasé expression.

Looking over at the Hufflepuff table, Agatha saw that her younger siblings had also received packages from Tina. With some kind of spell, Brian stuck his drawing— _a posh carrot?_ —on his mate's back, while April showed off her deranged unicorn to a chorus of _oohs_ and giggles from all the other third years around her.

But back to the letter.

Reading through the lines of Tina's note about Caga Tió Lucius being alive, Agatha figured that there must be some rather clever magic hidden in the log. Aunt Lu was a rather powerful witch, if a tad eccentric, so this wasn't terribly surprising. 

Agatha wondered how her aunt made the Caga Tió. After all, it was just an inanimate object before Luna had gotten ahold of it, right? Unless it was something else that Luna Transfigured... or partially Transfigured. Regardless, it couldn't be that challenging for a witch like Agatha to decipher. 

She was going to put Caga Tió Lucius through a battery of tests at the weekend.

* * *

On Friday evening, Agatha Floo'd home with Brian and April, just like they did almost every weekend.

A legacy of their mum's fight to change Hogwarts after the war, she'd been told that Headmistress McGonagall had only convinced parents to return their children to the school once Hermione Granger had very publicly returned to sit her final year of classes with the condition that she be able to Floo home to her Muggle parents each and every weekend. Somehow the culture of magical boarding school was changed permanently in the UK, although students now occasionally hung around on the weekends when they had big exams or projects to prepare for. On any given weekend, roughly a third of the Hogwarts students remained behind castle walls, but most went home.

The Granger-Snape home was a warm and loving, if rather chaotic place to be. 

Agatha remembered when it was much quieter, of course. In her earliest memories, she'd already been saddled with an annoying kid brother. Oh, she mostly got along with Brian. When he was really little, he followed her around everywhere she went, wanting to play with her even she made it known that she just wanted to be alone. Sometimes he was necessary, like when she needed an opponent in Wizarding chess she could beat with her eyes closed.

By the time they were playing chess, April and Roger were already there. When she was eight, Agatha acquired Vincent as the newest brother. Her mum had enthusiastically asked her if she wanted to hold the baby or change his nappy, and no, she really didn't. Agatha was ten when Tina came along. She was a little nut job right from the start, squirming out of everyone's arms as an baby, flailing about wildly while her poor mum attempted to jam yogurt down her gob. And when Baby Tina finally found foods she liked, she decided to share them with whoever was nearby, whether or not they wanted her to. It was dangerous sitting beside her; Aggie would be talking about school, minding her own business, and then a tiny slimy fist would thrust itself in her mouth to deliver a tablespoon-sized quantity of curry.

It was a miracle the Granger-Snapes didn't all die of communicable diseases.

Serenity and Joey were surprises that had come when Aggie, Brian, and April were already off at Hogwarts.

It was strange, Agatha thought, that her siblings would still be living at home when she headed out into the world for the first time. But it was what it was, and that was okay. She'd rather have grown up in her crazy house than in a enormous, pretentious mansion like Uncle Draco had done.

Her mum rushed at all three kids as they arrived via the Floo, hugging them and kissing indiscriminately, occasionally landing her lips on their cheeks and occasionally on their winter robes. 

Brian ran off, mumbling something about a shower, leaving the girls with their mum.

'Hey, mum!' April said, plucking her mother's wand out of her shirt pocket and handing it to her to stick in her bun. 'Where's Caga Tió?'

'Caga Tió _Lucius_ ,' Agatha corrected, making sure the longer name stuck. 'We hear he's been up to no good this week.'

'What?' her mum asked. 'No good?'

'Tina sent letters,' April replied, dropping her school bag in her cubby behind the couch after rifling through it for her schoolbooks and a tightly wound scroll.

'Oh!' Mum exclaimed. ' _That_. Yes, well, the log has taken to snoring now, and he must get up and wander around in the night, since we find him in different rooms come morning. And your little sister just might have gotten the thing _dru_ —she coughed here, interrupting herself—er... a tad... _tipsy_. Whatever you do, don't give the log any liqueur.'

April looked horrified, and Agatha burst out laughing. 

'Dinner will be a bit crowded,' Mum continued, 'since Harry and Draco are swinging by to join us. They have _news,_ apparently.'

'I'm going to finish my essays right now, then,' April declared, trudging off to the office with a few books in hand, 'before they arrive.'

'And I'm going to experiment on Lucius,' Agatha said, sharing a wicked gleam with her mother. 'I've got to find out what makes him tick.'

'Don't do anything I wouldn't do!' Mum declared. 

'That leaves a great deal of room for interpretation,' Agatha said shrewdly, considering all she knew of her mum's bloodthirsty side, inflicting semi-permanent pimples on her fellow students and breaking into banks while disguised. 'I think if you really cared about dissecting Caga Tió Lucius, you'd rip him apart with spells you found in one of Poppa's restricted books.'

Hermione leaned over and placed a hand on her daughter's shoulder. 'You know me so well,' she said with a smile. 'Now have fun!'

**Author's Note:**

> Definitely not betaed, so please let me know when you catch errors!


End file.
